I don’t want to write anymore if it isn’t real

I don’t want your smile

I don’t want to hold your hand, my dear

this is anything but divine

I want your hard bruising kiss

and by your touch my skin to burn

the World shakes it’s head saying I never learn

and I don’t want to prove Them wrong;

you’re a love too decadent to miss.

A dangerous  stranger in this  grey throng


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mr Smiley
    Aug 05, 2014 @ 12:12:55

    What if I had written to you two years ago instead of now, I wonder as I sit watching the monsoon pour down to welcome me back to my city. My words might have been different back then. More hopeful. One must always hope right? Their depth of feeling though would not have changed much.

    Before I begin at the beginning of my story,let me, tell you right now that you do not know me. Or at least I think you don’t.

    Hope crawls through my skin like a parasite in disguise and as I surrender, I confess I dearly hope that you had run in to me, maybe even spared a though or two towards making the first move or at the very least, smiled your pretty smile that reminded me of a Diwali night spent on a rooftop of a crowded and enthusiastic neighborhood, watching the fire crackers do their dance across an early winter dawn just as the sun wakes up from all the noise and an arzaan pierces whatever remaining silence there was.(An early childhood memory)

    Drazel or should I call you Bandit Cat or Mave? I like Mave. It suits you more than the other two. I came across your profile on okcupid two years ago. You were in Bombay and I was at the airport in New York, battling the depravity of the soul which seems mandatory to be on that website.

    I was leaving behind my life and the life time of memories that came with it. Heading back to India after ten odd years. I had burnt all my bridges and then left little post it notes at every check point to never look back. My bags had been packed neatly and checked in, I was eager to start afresh. My flight had been delayed, some storm warning. Sitting at a sushi bar and sipping on sake, I was mindlessly browsing profiles in India just to see what the people there were like. I came across your profile and it made me smile, then your smile made me giddy. It reminded me of the Beatles song ‘Hey Jude’. Poetic, pretty yet bittersweet. I say this because I senses a sadness in your eyes. Takes a thief to know a thief. Your words and the fact that you were too on that website helped me in making that genius deduction.

    Please don’t get me wrong, i don’t believe in love at first sight nor am I going to claim any such rubbish. You seemed interesting, intelligent and fun. You liked reading, making lists and you too hated ketchup! The fact that you’re extremely appealing to the eyes didn’t do any harm either. I remember sitting and wondering what it would be like to spend an entire night with you, sitting on a roof top in NYC, drinking and smoking up as we talked till the sun came up.

    I was making a mental list of the people I’d like to message once I was in India and I added your name to the top of the list. That is also where I copied the link to your blog from. Yours was the last profile i had read. I clearly remember. I shared your profile with my best friend as I often did and this was the first time she responded positively to someone I was interested in. I got up to smoke a cigarette after that and then as i was washing my face,Sandy Hit. The lights went out and all hell broke lose.

    Mave. Please stay with me. I’m explaining all of this for a reason.

    The reason why I did not message you two years ago on October the twenty eight and the reason I am messaging you now.

    I was there for a month more after the storm hit. All hope and enthusiasm at starting a new life was forgotten to be replaced by guilt, regret, despair and a kind of desolation that I have to borrow words to explain it.

    “Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them.” – Shantaram

    I was the bad guy. I was running away. Leaving everyone behind. My friends, family, my favorite korean bbq joint which had so many memories. Yet I was unscathed for the most part, safe at the airport already dismissing ten years of my life as left everyone behind and looked forward to meeting new people. The restaurant was gone and I lost a dear friend. The only one I had told about where I was going and the only one who understood despite my selfishness. She’d hugged me, told me she loved me in that awesome way that only the Irish can speak and then planted a big wet kiss on my mouth. A day later, my best friend was dead and I was still alive, still with all the possibilities of tomorrow.

    The same one I had sent your profile to. Her name was Maeve.

    The month that followed was one of intense grief. I locked myself up in my room and refused to do any civilized activity. I didn’t shower for weeks, days would turn into nights and then day again as I would sit rooted on the floor in a corner just staring at empty space.

    I repeatedly scrolled through every written word she had ever sent, every picture we took and every memory I had of her and I felt so so alone!

    That is where you come in.

    In the middle of my most painful days, when I was yearning for an escape, I came across my last conversation with her where I had shared your profile. I went back to it and then clicked on your blog.

    I devoured every word, again, and again, and again till I was lost in it. Over the years it has fed my soul with the nourishment it was yearning for. Soon I found myself checking it relentlessly, waiting for you to write again.

    I came back to India and drowned myself in debauchery, moving from one body to the next, one city to another. The only thing that remained constant was you and your words.

    I had no courage to contact you earlier even though i did very much want to get to know you. It’s Maeve’s birthday on the 15th and I want to fulfill her last wish. ” Smiley! She’s extremely cute! I’d do her! Write to her! you guys would be perfect together!”

    It’s been nearly two years. I have checked your blog regularly since then and part of the reason for my writing this is to complain about that.

    I can’t find you on okcupid anymore. I assume you’ve left and while a part of me hopes you’ve found someone and you’re happy, another one desperately wishes for that not to be true.

    I’m stable in life. I’ve spent 34 years achieving the kind of station where i can do what i want. It does come with certain clauses though. Like not making a fool of yourself on the internet because your work depends on it, therefore I’ve just created this email address to hide my identity just in case you find all of this too absurd or aren’t bothered by any of it. But I would like to make my intentions for writing clear as well.

    I would like to meet you. I would like to get to know you with the intention of something more. A whole lot more. I’m an all or nothing kind of guy so i will tell you right now that i would not be keen on settling for anything less.

    I just landed in Calcutta right now from Pune, which is where I live and I think it’s only apt that I be sitting at an airport as I finally send you a long awaited message.

    Here is my proposal assuming you are
    1.) Single
    2.) Interested,
    3.) Available for the independence day weekend.

    Should you agree, I would like to fly down to Mumbai. I would like to take you out of dinner at any restaurant of your choosing. I am familiar with the city and if you left it up to me, I would like to go to Wasabi at the Taj in Colaba. After which we would come back to my room and I would like to spend some time doing what i wanted to at a rooftop in NYC. Drink, smoke up and talk and see where that takes us. If nothing comes out of it then so be it. I would have at least had some closure and you a very interesting evening.

    I will of course tell you all you would want to know about me before we meet should you be interested but I implore that as curious as this message might make you feel, it has taken a lot of courage and strength to write this so unless you are absolutely sure about my stipulations, please do not contact me for anything less.

    I will keep this account active for one week from now and wait for a response. If I don’t get one, I will hope that the past two years have been kinder to you, that you’ve found someone who treats you right and with that thought in mind i will move on. Then please consider this message as my token of gratitude. My way of letting you know that you made a difference in a strangers life. Thank you. Please smile now.

    If though, (and this is that wretched hope talking again) you are up for it, please feel free to ask what you want. I have no intention of being dishonest with my savior.

    The warmest of regards Mave. I hope you’ve been happy and continue to be so regardless of anything and everything.

    You can call me Smiley. 🙂


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